Forgiveness Goes Up Then Out
For the month of January, we’ll spend four weeks in Wednesday’s Word committing to canceling debts and offering forgiveness.
If you want to experience your healthiest relationships ever in this New Year—whether it’s your marriage, with your children, parents, extended family, or relationships in the body of Christ—healthy relationships are healthy because people in those relationships find joy in canceling debts.
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” (Ephesians 4:31–5:2, emphasis mine).
To begin, let’s first understand what forgiveness is. Here’s a simple definition: Forgiveness is a vertical commitment that is followed by a horizontal transaction.
Both aspects of forgiveness are essential, but in the order that I have presented them.
When you have been wronged in word or action by another person, your response must first be shaped by an immediate commitment that you make before God.
Forgiveness begins by first giving the offense to your Lord.
The vertical commitment aspect of forgiveness with God clears your heart of the baggage of bitterness and condemnation so that when you eventually horizontally transact with the person who wronged you, you are in a spiritual position to do it in a way that is kind, patient, loving, humble, and encouraging.
The first part of forgiveness is judicial; that is, entrusting the offense to God, who alone is able to judge. The second part of forgiveness is relational. It is a transaction of grace between the person who has committed the offense and the person who has been offended.
I will unpack this more next week, but forgiveness does not mean that you eat the offense and act as though nothing happened. In fact, the Bible calls the one who has been sinned against to go to the person who committed the offense and present it to them.
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother” (Matthew 18:15).
But this is where the order of the two parts of forgiveness is essential. The reason you must start with giving the offense to God is so that when you come to your “brother” (or sister, or spouse, or parent, or whomever), you come with the right attitude and the right goal.
What is the right attitude? Grace.
What is the right goal? Reconciliation.
Vertical commitment, horizontal transaction. Grace and reconciliation. It sounds easy, right? Almost too easy! Well, with two sinners living in a broken world, forgiveness is rarely a singular event and almost always a process.
You may find yourself returning to old, bitter thoughts and getting angry once again, and you need to confess that to the Lord and seek his help. You may have succumbed to treating the other person judgmentally, even though you had committed not to, and you might need to confess that wrong to him or her (even in the process of offering them forgiveness!)
And, it is often the case that the one who committed the offense against you is having a hard (and slow) time seeing and owning what they have done. This may mean you have to go to them more than once, reminding them that there is a sin between you that has not been dealt with, and that, because of that, there is a breach in your relationship and a need for reconciliation.
Your purpose is not to badger them into a forced, quick confession, but to let them know that you love them so much that it pains you to have wrongs in the way of the unity and understanding that you should be experiencing.
May the Lord give us the grace to bring our horizontal hurts vertically first to him, where we will then receive the grace to extend grace to those who have wronged us!
A Prayer for Today: Lord, admittedly, I need your grace in my life to help me extend grace to others who have wronged me. Sometimes I struggle to have the right attitude when I’ve been sinned against, and I need your power to overcome my apathy, anger, frustration, and bitterness. God, you humbled yourself by becoming a man in order to be reconciled to me, so please give me the ability to humble myself that I might seek reconciliation with others. By the power of your Spirit, make me the kind of person who goes to you first in the process of forgiveness, and then seeks others out with a heart of reconciliation. Thank you for loving me enough to forgive me when I didn’t deserve it. Help me to see others the way you see them. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Discussion Prompt for Children
1. How do you usually feel when someone wrongs you or sins against you? How do you usually act when you’ve been sinned against by someone else?
2. Why do you think it’s so easy to respond with anger, frustration, or any other negative emotion when someone sins against you?
3. How do you usually want to be treated when you do or say something sinful against another person? How did God treat you when you sinned against him?
4. Why do you think forgiveness can be so hard when we’ve been sinned against? Where do you think the power to forgive comes from?
Reflection Questions
1. What have been your personal experiences with forgiveness? Is forgiveness something that’s been foreign or extremely difficult for you? Were you raised in an environment where forgiveness was normal or abnormal? How has that directly impacted the way you approach forgiveness?
2. Why is it vital to approach the aspects of forgiveness in the order of vertical commitment, followed by horizontal transaction? Why is forgiveness something that first must be given to God before you engage with another person? Have you ever thought about it like that before? Why or why not?
3. In the past, what would you say your attitudes and goals have typically been in the area of forgiveness? Have grace and reconciliation been the driving forces behind your desire to confront someone who has sinned against you? In what ways do you want God to change you so that grace and reconciliation can be the driving forces?
4. Why is forgiveness often not a simple one-time thing? Why is it a good thing that it’s a continual process of bringing it to the Lord when you’re tempted by bitterness, frustration, and anger? How does confession on your part play a key role in forgiving someone else who has wronged you?
5. In what ways can you purposefully thank the Lord right now for the grace and forgiveness he has given you? How can that grace and forgiveness help to change your attitude and perspective toward forgiving others moving forward?