What Forgiveness Is Not
Last week, we defined forgiveness in a single, simple sentence: Forgiveness is a vertical commitment followed by a horizontal transaction.
Of course, forgiveness is more complex; it is rarely an event and almost always a long, difficult process. But put plainly, when you have been wronged by another person, you must first give that offense to the Lord before approaching the person who wronged you.
That said, you still have to follow through on the second part: approaching the person who wronged you.
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” (Matthew 18:15)
Now that we have defined what forgiveness is, let’s unpack what it is not.
Forgiveness never calls wrong right. If wrong were right, forgiveness wouldn’t be necessary. If sin weren’t evil and wrong, Jesus would never have had to come. The cross of Jesus Christ reveals what forgiveness is and what forgiveness requires.
Forgiveness moves toward another person because they are wrong and need to be rescued from themselves. In moving toward them, forgiveness is willing to make sacrifices and endure hardships so that another person may be made right again and be reconciled to God and you.
Forgiveness does not mean that you eat the offense and act as though nothing happened. Forgiveness does not mean that you call wrong right or turn a blind eye to sin and hope that by sweeping it under the rug, the problem disappears. Forgiveness does not mean that you pretend you were not affected, offended, or hurt by what someone else said or did to you or against you.
In fact, I am persuaded that our silence in the face of wrong against us is almost always selfish. It is not motivated by a desire to love the other person well, but rather, is motivated by not wanting to hassle or complicate the difficult process of kind and loving confrontation.
Maybe that’s because of laziness. It’s easier and quicker to ignore the wrong than take the long path of confrontation and forgiveness. Perhaps it’s out of fear and self-preservation. If this person hurt me before, what is stopping them from hurting me again when I confront them about the first hurt?
Often, our silence and lack of confrontation is not because we love the other person and want what is best for the relationship, but because we love ourselves, and do not want to put ourselves through something uncomfortable.
But when we fail to bring such things into the light, the bitterness festers in the dark of our own sinful heart, and the other does not benefit from the conviction and confession that would help them grow and change.
Forgiveness means first vertically entrusting yourself to God’s mercy and justice, so then you can commit to overcoming evil with good (read Romans 12:9–21 below).
After you vertically commit with the Lord, you are then free to horizontally transact with the other person who has wronged you, responding to them with the same grace that you have been given.
Romans 12:9–21
“Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
A Prayer for Today: God, please help me to understand more and more the beauty and power of the forgiveness you have given me in your Son, Jesus. Help me to never take it for granted, and may the forgiveness you have given me always drive me to forgive others. Lord, I confess that I have been unforgiving to others for several, selfish reasons, so I ask you to give me the power and humility to approach others who have wronged me, lovingly confront them, and eagerly grant them forgiveness too. Help me to respond to them with the same grace that you have given me, because without your grace, this would be impossible. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Discussion Prompt for Children
1. Why do you think it is so hard to forgive someone who has hurt you or wronged you? How do you usually respond to someone when they’ve wronged you?
2. Why do you think forgiveness is more than just saying the words, “I forgive you”? Could you say that you forgive someone and not really forgive them in your heart?
3. Why does God care about us forgiving other people? How is forgiveness just as much about us and God as it is about us and others who have wronged us?
Reflection Questions
1. In what ways have you seen unforgiveness and bitterness ruin a relationship? Why is the lack of willingness to forgive such a powerful thing in a person’s life? How has unforgiveness impacted you personally?
2. How can saying something like, “It’s okay,” or “It’s no big deal,” be a lack of forgiveness? How do those kinds of statements call a wrong right and sweep a problem under the rug?
3. How has your personal silence in the face of wrongdoing been motivated by your own selfishness? Why do you think the enemy loves it when we eat an offense and refuse to approach the offender in forgiveness? How does eating an offense end up personally hurting you?
4. What is the motivation for a Christian to lovingly confront someone who has wronged them? Why is that motivation the key to living in harmony with other sinful people? Why is forgiveness ultimately about obedience to God?
5. Why do you think a lack of forgiveness is a step toward being overcome by evil?