To Ask Or Not To Ask For Forgiveness

Our resolution for the first month of 2026 (although it should be a gospel commitment every day of the year!) is to cancel debts and offer forgiveness.

We have established a definition of forgiveness: a vertical commitment (with God) followed by a horizontal transaction (with the offending party).

We have unpacked what forgiveness is not: eating the offense, acting as though nothing happened, calling wrong right, turning a blind eye to sin, and hoping that by sweeping it under the rug, the problem disappears.

But I have to add a third dimension to our discussion of forgiveness: you cannot relationally forgive someone who has not asked for it.

The biblical pattern is this: someone confesses, you forgive. That is why you go to them. You go as God’s instrument, with the hope that their eyes will be opened, that their heart will be grieved, and that they will respond by confessing their sin and asking for your forgiveness—which you are ready to give because you already vertically committed the offense to the Lord and are no longer harboring bitterness in your heart.

Actually, I need to add a fourth dimension to this discussion! Forgive me 😉

The biblical call to confession and forgiveness is to be followed only in instances when one person has done something to the other that the Bible calls sin.

(I’m going to apply these next examples in the context of marriage, but they are relevant for all relationships).

You do not need to ask for forgiveness when you have done something out of human weakness, like forgetting in the busyness of the day to pick up something at the store. It is right to communicate to the other that you are sorry for forgetting and for any hassle it might have caused, but this was not a sin against God or another person. It’s the result of being a less-than-perfect human being in a less-than-ideal world.

You do not have to ask for forgiveness for accidents, like tripping on the rug and dropping and breaking a valuable. Again, it is right to express remorse for your spouse’s loss, but in such cases, you do not need their forgiveness. You were not sinning against them. You are a broken person in a broken world, and things break.

You do not have to ask for forgiveness for attempting to do something and failing. Perhaps you told your spouse you would fix something, but you were unable to. This is not a sin against your spouse and does not require confession and forgiveness. It is loving, however, to let them know that you are sorry for the hassle your inability caused the other person. But all humans have inabilities because of human limits, giftings, and strengths and weaknesses.

You do not need to ask for forgiveness for differences in personality or perspective. It is not wrong that you see things differently from your spouse (that is what makes the relationship beautiful and productive). God has authored your story. He determined the influences that have shaped you. He brought you together in the intimate community of marriage. Differences are not wrong.

Forgiveness is a vertical commitment (between you and God) and horizontal transaction (between you and the other person) that is to occur in moments when sin has gotten in the way of the unity of relationships.

But it must be said again: you cannot forgive someone, in the relational sense of what forgiveness means, until they have sought your forgiveness.

While the first part of forgiveness is judicial (entrusting the offense to God who alone is able to judge), the second part of forgiveness is relational. It has to be a transaction of grace between the person who has committed the offense and the person who has been offended.

Forgiveness lifts the burden of bearing wrongs from your shoulders and restores what has been broken. The more you are willing to forgive, the more you experience its blessings. And the more you experience its blessings, the more you are quick to give yourself to the cycle of commit-confront-confess-forgive.

A Prayer for Today: Father, I admit that at times I’m unwilling to forgive someone who has hurt me. Sometimes, the idea of forgiving that other person seems completely impossible to me, especially when they have not even asked me to forgive them. But Lord, would you please help me not to allow the bitterness of unforgiveness to infect my heart? Help me to entrust their offense to you alone who is able to judge. And when or if they do approach me and ask for forgiveness, may I be quick to extend the grace of forgiveness to them as you were quick to extend your forgiving grace to me. I approach you in need, God. Please fill my empty hands with your power to live the Christian life of forgiveness. In your name, amen.

Discussion Prompt for Children

1. If someone trips and falls into you by accident, knocking you over, did that person sin against you? If someone has a different personality than you and constantly does or says things that annoy you, is that other person sinning against you? How can we know what is a sin and what isn’t a sin?

2. If someone sins against you and doesn’t ask you for forgiveness, are you still supposed to forgive them even though they didn’t ask for forgiveness? Why or why not?

3. If someone has really wronged you or hurt you and you don’t think it is possible to forgive them, what are you supposed to do if you think forgiveness is impossible?

4. How does an attitude of unforgiveness make you feel worse instead of better?

Reflection Questions

1. Describe the difference between judicial and relational forgiveness. Why can’t you relationally forgive someone who hasn’t asked for forgiveness? Why is it so important to approach someone who has wronged you and lovingly confront them in a spirit of humility and willingness to forgive?

2. In the past, what have you incorrectly labeled as sin when it was the result of someone just being a less-than-perfect human in a less-than-ideal world? How have you personally been accused of sinning when it was nothing more than being a less-than-perfect human in a less-than-ideal world? Since things can become unclear about what is sin and what isn’t sin, where do we turn to know how to define sin?

3. How has a spirit of unforgiveness placed a weight of burden on you in the past? What has that unforgiveness done to you and the other relationships you have?

4. How does grace not only radically change you, but also radically change broken relationships when it comes to the area of forgiveness?

5. What are the differences between judicial forgiveness and relational forgiveness? Why is it important to know the difference between the two? In what ways have you failed to notice the difference between the two in the past? How can knowing the difference between the two change you and your relationships with others?