Do You Really Know?
Most relationships within the body of Christ are trapped in the casual. There are many surface-level facts that we may know about each other, but we often don’t know the hearts of those people—the spiritual souls of our brothers and sisters who live within the borders of those facts.
Of course, it’s impossible to deeply know everyone. But do you know even a handful intimately?
Love. KNOW. Speak. Do.
God has called us to make disciples and exhort one another every day (Hebrews 3:13), but our effectiveness in ministry relationships will be limited to the extent that we don’t know where change is needed or where God is actively at work in others’ lives.
Why don’t we Know well, and how can we Know deeper?
For most Christians, we are just too busy. With family commitments, overloaded schedules, demanding jobs, the newest streaming series, keeping up with the 24/7 news cycle, and the pressure of social media to depict that our lives are enviable by posting the perfect image or reel, we have little time left for ministry and discipleship relationships.
This often results in squeezing ten-dollar conversations into ten-cent moments. In other words, we rush past something that requires more time and investment, if not ignore it altogether.
How often do you find yourself, or the person you want to talk to, rushing out of church on a Sunday? When was the last time you prematurely ended a conversation that needed to go deeper because you had something else to do? Have you neglected to follow up with someone who is in spiritual distress because you can’t find or make the time to pursue them?
If time—or probably more accurately, priority of treasure (Matthew 6:19-21)—isn’t the main issue, asking the wrong questions or neglecting to ask the right ones could be.
I would guess that most of the conversations you had recently with fellow believers were superficial. We spend most of our time talking about subjects that rarely touch the heart of a person—the weather, world news, sports, and entertainment. Even when we talk about kids, marriage, or work, it often revolves around events and facts, not spiritual warfare within each of those realms.
Intrusive questions which require humble self-disclosure is where the Redeemer does his good work in discipleship relationships. Ask more of these, and lead by disclosing your own weaknesses and struggles with the other person. Set an example by being vulnerable and, by grace, they will follow your lead.
Another reason we keep conversations casual is because we buy the lie that we are unique and struggle in ways that no one else does. We are self-protective. “I’m the only one who wrestles with this,” we think. “I don’t want to embarrass myself because no one else feels this way.”
Don’t be duped into silence. Behind the façade of public personas, everyone struggles just like you in their private life. Those struggles may appear slightly different, but everyone lives with indwelling sin, trapped inside a broken body, residing in a fallen world, waiting for complete redemption.
Life for every Christian on this side of eternity is burdened by disappointment and difficulty, suffering and struggle, trials and temptation. No one has or will graduate from their need of grace. And don’t perpetuate the myth by publicly pretending that you have your life in order when your private life is a bit of a mess!
A final reason we rarely talk beyond a casual level is because we do not see ourselves with accuracy. The Bible has much to say about how blind we are. Sin is deceitful, our hearts are prone to hardening, and sinners love darkness more than light.
As a result, we are often unaware of how great our need for help really is. It may even lead us to question whether we have any struggles to disclose at all! This prevents others from knowing us deeply because of the way we tell our stories to others.
We all need and hunger for relationships where we are known. If you want to be known, and if you want to know others well, we must make the time, ask the right questions, and remember that the cross of Jesus welcomes you to be known because all the places where you need to be known have been covered by the blood of Jesus.
A Prayer for Today: God, would you help me to be more intentional and vulnerable in my relationships with others? As you’ve called me to go deep in my discipleship relationships, please give me the courage to move beyond the casual and superficial toward depth and intimacy that I might know you more and be an instrument of your good work in the lives of others. In Jesus’ name, amen.
God bless,
Paul Tripp
Discussion Prompt for Children:
Why do you think it’s important to be honest about what we’re thinking and feeling inside? If you know someone is being honest with you about how they’re doing, does that make you more comfortable to be honest with them too? How can you and I honestly share what we’re thinking and feeling about things in our lives?
Reflection Questions
1. After doing an honest evaluation about the depth of your friendships and/or discipleship relationships, where do you see room for growth in how you ask questions within those relationships and conversations? In what ways might you be asking the wrong kinds of questions or neglecting to ask the right ones? If you are honest, would you say that most of your conversations with fellow believers are superficial?
2. Now take some time to think about the people in your life whom God might be calling you to go deeper with and pursue with intentionality. Ask the Lord to give you a posture within those relationships of humble self-disclosure and process purposefully how you might lead by example and share your struggles with the other person/people. Who are the few people in your life with whom you’d be willing to be vulnerable? How might vulnerability with them be scary for you? Ultimately, why is it worth it to be open and vulnerable with them?
3. What are some of the ways that God could use vulnerability in your relationships to mold and shape you? If a friend or two asked you purposeful and deep questions, how could God use that to help you grow as a Christian? How might you see yourself more accurately simply by being asked penetrating questions? Although it might be somewhat scary to answer someone’s questions with authenticity and vulnerability, how can you find comfort and peace in Jesus amidst the potential fear of being vulnerable and spiritually exposed with someone else?
4. Why are vulnerable relationships important for all followers of Jesus? How can they expose and correct our inaccurate view of ourselves? Ultimately, why is neediness in the Christian life vital to admit?