Hate Why You Hate Confrontation
It’s a recurring article title on many of the popular blogs and cultural websites: “How to Handle Conflict When You Hate Confrontation.” Or, “How to Have a Difficult Conversation if You Hate Confrontation.”
These posts might be helpful if you’re only seeking advice on conflict-management styles or personality traits, but they’re missing a key component: the heart of the person doing the confronting.
What happens if you have a subtle hatred in your heart? Not hatred of confrontation, but hatred towards the person you are confronting.
Love. Know. SPEAK. Do.
I want to return to Leviticus 19:15-18 from four weeks ago, because embedded in that passage is a contrast between love and hate. This passage directs us to “rebuke your neighbor frankly” (v. 17, NIV) out of love, but we must notice all of the ways in which we carry hatred into these moments.
“You shall do no injustice in court. You shall not be partial to the poor or defer to the great, but in righteousness shall you judge your neighbor. You shall not go around as a slanderer among your people, and you shall not stand up against the life of your neighbor: I am the LORD.
You shall not hate your brother in your heart, but you shall reason frankly with your neighbor, lest you incur sin because of him. You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the LORD” (ESV).
Put simply, we fail to confront in love because we have yielded to subtle and passive forms of hatred.
One subtle form of hatred is favoritism, granting favor to some but refusing it to others because of a standard we have set up in our own minds.
Another form of subtle hatred is bearing a grudge. We keep a record of what someone has done against us, and everything is distorted by the anger and bitterness through which we view it, destroying any possibility of dealing with sin in a godly way.
Then there are not-so-subtle forms of hatred: injustice, slandering (or gossip), and revenge. All three have been present in all of our lives at some point, and all three responses destroy, or at least distort, the biblical ministry of rebuke and confrontation.
Proper biblical confrontation is never motivated by impatience, frustration, hurt, or anger. Confrontation must flow out of a recognition of our identity as the children of God, which is why the passage repeats the phrase, “I am the LORD.”
Confrontation does not force a person to deal with you but with Christ. Rebuke does not force a person to face your judgment; it gives them an opportunity to do business with God.
Confrontation is motivated by a desire for the person to receive the grace of conviction, confession, forgiveness, and repentance. Rebuke does not enforce legalities; it ministers the restraining, forgiving, restoring grace of Christ to someone who has turned from him.
Confrontation is not motivated by punishment, but by the hope that the Lord would free this person from the prison of their own sin to know the freedom of walking in fellowship with him.
If we are going to incarnate Christ in our confrontation, we must begin by examining our own hearts. Maybe the reason we hate confrontation so much is because there is too much hatred in all of our hearts!
Are there thoughts, motives, or attitudes that are getting in the way of what God intends to do? As instruments of Christ’s grace, we must confess that we need that grace just as much as the people we are helping.
We need God to provide the love, courage, compassion, and wisdom we will need to represent him well.
A Prayer for Today: Lord, I admit that I have been motivated to confront others out of a heart of impatience, frustration, hurt, and anger. I also admit that I have hated being confrontational with others and neglected to confront others out of a proper and loving motivation. Please forgive me, and please help me to be the kind of person who lovingly confronts others out of a recognition of my identity as your child. May I live in your grace and extend grace to others as a tangible example of how you show your love. In Jesus’ name, amen.
God bless,
Paul Tripp
Discussion Prompt for Children:
Why do you think it matters about what’s going on in your heart when you meet with or stand up to someone who has hurt you or made you mad?
Reflection Questions
1. Where are the subtle and passive forms of hatred you hold in your life as you think about the idea of confronting someone who has hurt you, wronged you, or made you angry? In the past, if you’ve confronted someone out of a heart of hatred, how has it destroyed the possibility of dealing with sin in a godly way?
2. How have other forms of hatred such as injustice, slander, or revenge been a part of your past? How have those responses destroyed relationships and distorted your ability to biblically confront someone?
3. How can the way you rebuke someone lead that person to deal with Christ and allow God to do business with them? In what practical ways can your rebuke minister the restraining, forgiving, and restoring grace of Christ to someone who has turned away from him?
4. Take a moment to examine your own heart as you think about a confrontation you need to engage with. Is the reason you hate confrontation so much because there might be too much hatred in your own heart? If so, pray and ask God right now to help you experience his grace and then show that grace to others who need rebuking.