How to Ask Better Questions

As we have been examining this Love. Know. Speak. Do. model of biblical discipleship, one of the most frequent questions we have been receiving is, “What questions can I ask to get to Know a person better?”

Love. KNOW. Speak. Do.

Today I’ll answer your questions about questions! Here are four principles to keep in mind:

1. Ask open-ended questions.

Open-ended questions cannot be answered without the person disclosing what they are thinking, what they want, and what they are doing. Here are just a few examples of open-ended questions that you can ask a friend about the health of their marriage.

• What problems in your marriage do you see as your responsibility?
• What could your spouse do to greatly change your marriage?
• When you are hurt or angry with your spouse, what do you do?
• In what ways have you attempted to communicate love and appreciation for your spouse recently?
• Identify one area of your marriage where you have problems. Describe what is wrong and what each of you has done to solve it.

2. Ask a combination of survey and focused questions.

Survey questions scan the various areas of a person’s life and look at them as a whole, uncovering themes and patterns. Take a wide-angle view of a person; don’t assume that a single confessed problem exists in isolation.

Focused questions look intensively into one area of a person’s life. The purpose of these questions is to uncover roots and causes.

Imagine yourself at the end of a hotel hallway. The hallway, with doors every several feet, represents a person’s life. The rooms behind the doors represent various aspects of the person’s life. Everything you need to know about this person is in that hallway and in those rooms.

As you get to know a person, you will walk down the hallway, taking a peek in each room (survey questions). You will begin to notice certain themes and patterns. Then, some rooms you will enter (focused questions), examining the contents more closely when you see something that seems worthy of special attention.

Knowing when to ask which type of question is a matter of wisdom that comes by following the lead of the Holy Spirit and with experience as you ask more and more questions in your relationships!

3. Ask questions that get to the heart, not just gather facts.

Facts are very important and helpful. But I can know the what of a person while remaining clueless about why they did it. A first set of questions may reveal when and where it happened, but not how.

Asking “how” and “why” questions will broaden and deepen your understanding of what took place (the situation), but more importantly, how the person interacted (behavior) and why they were driven to use the words or actions that they did (the motives of the heart).

4. Ask follow-up questions

This final principle should be applied to the above three all the time. A progressive line of questioning is based on information uncovered in the previous question.

All questions, no matter what type, should be asked because you are seeking to fill gaps in your knowledge of what has already been uncovered.

You accomplish this by continually asking yourself, “What do I not know about what I have just heard?” This challenges you not to make assumptions or settle for incomplete information.

Why ask these intrusive questions? Because the people God puts in our lives to love and disciple rarely ask these questions of themselves

Questions give sight to blind eyes. Questions help apply Scripture to everyday life. Questions convict and lead to repentance. Questions entice people to fall in love with Jesus more deeply.

Asking good questions incarnates the Messiah and is vital to personal ministry!

A Prayer for Today: God, help me to be a person who asks open-ended, survey, and focused questions that get to the heart of the person I’m discipling. I want to be someone who incarnates you, Lord Jesus, to the people in my life and I need you to help me be intentional to ask good questions that don’t just gather facts. I want to be an instrument in your hands to help provide sight to spiritual blindness, but only you can make blind eyes see. Would you make that a possibility by working through me to help others? Thank you for all you’re doing in my life and in the lives of others I care about. In Jesus’ name, amen.

God bless,

Paul Tripp

Discussion Prompt for Children:

What do you think makes a good question good? Why is it important to ask good questions of other people? How can asking a good question to someone show love and care toward that person?

Reflection Questions

1. How do you normally feel when someone asks you a good question? How are you at asking good questions of others? In what ways can you work on being a person who asks good questions of others? How might the good questions you ask of someone you’re discipling (or someone close to you) make the other person feel cared for and loved?

2. Why do you think we should be asking various kinds of questions to others and not just the same kinds of questions over and over again? What is the goal in asking a combination of different kinds of questions (open-ended, survey, focused, heart-level)? How might peppering in various kinds of questions help you to learn more about someone?

3. Take some time to picture the person you’re discipling or pouring into, and think about a series of combination questions to ask that person. Remember, asking questions isn’t only supposed to be a fact-finding exercise with them, but a way to get to know them more deeply and be an incarnation of the Messiah to them. Now, jot down some good questions that come to mind as you’re thinking about this person, and take some time to pray that the questions you develop will help grow and shape him or her more and more into the image of Christ. Ask the Lord to bless this part of your personal ministry—that deep and abiding fruit would be produced in it.

4. Why do good questions give sight to blind eyes? In what ways do they illuminate the darkness in other people? In yourself? How can good questions that apply Scripture to people’s lives be applied personally to your life too? Why are Bible-applying questions the kinds of questions that lead to lasting change and repentance in people’s hearts (including your own)?