The Danger of Assumptions
Are you struggling to know someone deeply? Of course, even those who have been fully covered by the blood of Christ will be guarded, not fully transparent, even deceptive. Loving others intentionally can help break down these protective defenses, but we still make blunders in our attempt to know them.
Love. KNOW. Speak. Do.
Why don’t we ask better questions and take the time to truly listen? Why don’t we ask people more often what they meant by what they said, or why they did what they did?
Why don’t we ask people to define their terms or explain their logic? Why don’t we ask people more about what they were thinking and feeling? Why don’t we get them to talk more about the purposes and desires that shaped their decisions?
In a word: assumptions.
When you assume, you do not ask. If you do not ask, you open yourself up to a world of invalid conclusions and misunderstandings.
God not only uniquely creates each of us, he also sovereignly authors and directs each of our stories. People are at once all the same and dramatically different.
Because of this, you cannot know me only by knowing what Scripture says about me. You will know wonderfully helpful things about me as a human being, but you will not know how these truths are uniquely manifested in my life without asking.
You may be trying to be God’s instrument of help and change, but with assumptions, you could be missing the mark because the person you think you are helping may exist only in your mind.
We must seek to know one another in a way that recognizes God both as our Creator (universal human truths) and as our sovereign Lord (the unique, individual details).
We also assume that our experience is the same as the person we are ministering to. This makes sense, especially if we speak the same language, share the same culture, live in the same community, even attend the same church.
But assumptions can be inaccurate, unhelpful, and misguided. For example, two people who look and sound the same could have dramatically difference experiences with the world “family” or “home.” Therefore, it is not wise for me to fill in the details of what that means from my experience and not yours.
For personal ministry to be effective, the principle is simple: Don’t assume—ask. Only then can you be sure that the help you offer will fit this person’s situation and relationships.
To avoid the temptation to assume, it is important to make a habit of doing three things.
1. “WHAT?” Always ask people to define their terms.
2. “HOW?” Always ask people to clarify what they mean with concrete, real-life examples of the terms they have used.
3. “WHY?” Always ask people to explain why they responded as they did in the examples they have given you.
For 1 and 2, we will speak with people who use very familiar words but with very different functional definitions. You need their personal dictionary definition as well as what it looks like in their everyday life.
For 3, now you not only have a definition and a concrete visual explanation, but you can begin to get a little bit of the heart behind the person’s behavior. Ask the person to share their reasons, values, purposes, and desires.
When you are careful to ask people to define, clarify, and explain, you will avoid many misunderstandings and false assumptions that rob personal ministry of its effectiveness.
In gospel-centered relationships, you are not seeking to broadcast the principles of the Word in a general way. Enter their world get to know what they are facing, and use the Word with focused specificity.
This will help you help the other person to understand their resources in Christ to face their particular situations or relationships!
“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:15-16).
A Prayer for Today: Lord, help me to avoid being inaccurate, unhelpful, and misguided. I don’t want to be the kind of person who constantly makes assumptions about others, not asking questions and jumping to false conclusions. Would you help me to be an instrument of comfort and care in the lives of others around me as I minister in your name? Help me to avoid misunderstandings and confusion, and help me to be curious about others by first asking thoughtful and intentional questions. In Jesus’ name, amen.
God bless,
Paul Tripp
Discussion Prompt for Children:
• Why is asking questions important when you’re getting to know someone better? How can asking questions instead of making assumptions about others help them and you at the same time?
• How can asking questions be a form of care and comfort to other people?
Reflection Questions
1. In conversations with other people, is your default generally talking about yourself and your experiences, or is it a posture of asking questions in order to get to know them and their situation better? How can asking questions be a form of care and comfort to other people?
2. Why is making assumptions about others potentially dangerous? Why might it be particularly dangerous in a ministry setting?
3. Why is a definition of terms a good place to start as you begin to get to know someone you’re ministering to? How do concrete, real-life examples of the terms people have used help to avoid misunderstandings, confusion, anger, and frustration?
4. Have you ever asked someone why they responded as they did when they’ve told you a story about their life? Why or why not? Why might that kind of question be scary for you to ask? Why might it be one of the most important questions to ask as you seek to understand and minister to him or her?